Tonight was the first time I had a real "oh, hell" moment. It's completely silly, but I figured it was bound to happen. I spent my night in and kicked everyone else out and then took to some of my favorite girl things. Bleaching my hair, plucking my eyebrows, painting my toenails, eating mac and cheese (a VERY important step) all that mysterious girl stuff that makes us, well girls, or Bowie I suppose. It was at the step where I was working conditioner through my poor, crunchy, processed tresses that it dawned on me: I'm going to get to be hideous.
Not "oh she's got a great personality" or "Oh, looks aren't that important." but "Holy shit don't move because I think it senses movement and fear." and "Sweet God in Heaven, I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. Please make it go away!" ugly
Don't get me wrong, I own a ton of flannel, think chinstrap-trapper fur hats are hilarious AND fashionable and have spent many an hour making awful faces in public and private. I've played old, I've worn just bathing suits, I've played evil, and slutty but never have I been blatantly disgusting. I know it's something in my realm of possibility, shit it's going to be fun.
However, in order for it to be fun I have to be able to put my vanity on the side and try to find a balance of taking the material seriously and not taking my ownself too seriously. Which is making sense in my head and I hope I haven't lost anyone...
The material needs honesty and I need to be able to see the show through to the end without being "not enough" or "not too much". Of course as it goes for being an actor there is always more. I'm going to need to find a way to tap into my normal everyday "I don't give a fuck" mentality and try to knock out the "holy shit I'm a nervous actor...meh...people are watching me." lame inside self who takes over sometimes. That guy is such a douche.
Let's fucking do it.
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