Thursday, March 1, 2012

Neglecting my blog like a drapes parents neglect they kids.

The past ten days have been bitchin'. We've gotten our sets and our costumes and everything we need to get a show happening. Our band is the shit. A few times Scotts been like "hey we have a sub _____" if he didn't say anything I wouldn't know because these musicians are ass kickers!
Tonight we get the most important part of any show. Not the lights, or sound, or baller music, tonight we get a real audience. Real people who have given their time and money in exchange for the hope that we can entertain them for a few hours. People who don't have to come and see anything, they could sit at home and clean out their DVR's instead they have decided to let us strut our stuff just for them. Without an audience we would all be standing around jacking each other off in the dark (well, eww, sorry.) (it would be dark though cause lighting guys have better things to do then hang out with a bunch of actors who aren't working toward a main goal). Tonight we get to strut our wild stuff because if we didn't have an outlet for strutting that stuff we'd all probably be strippers or criminals, anything for the attention.

I'm going to take this moment to thank every audience I have ever had, without you guys my life wouldn't exist, thank you!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The devil in Elvis

This morning I read the Rookie article with John Waters, he talks about how Elvis was terrifying. Scott keeps pushing this point home and I have been trying hard to get it.  Elvis scared the shit out of people, he made weird noises and wiggled and just looked scary in a time where people moved politely and deliberately.
Then I started thinking of what I have to compare that to, I'll tell you what, it isn't a whole hell of a lot.
Sure, last weekend Nicki Minaj pissed off a slew of people by having he "pope" accompany her to the Grammys. Truth be told, every other minute catholics are lambasting one person or another for acting inapro, whether it was The Gahg eating a rosary, Sinead O'Conner ripping up the pope or whatever else Madonna has ever done. By the time Nicki had been exorcised wasn't most of the world over it?
In order to do something controversial in music these days you would only have to...wait there really isn't anything left now is there.
The fact is Elvis freaked the worlds freak by doing nothing too crazy, in all fairness if you watch some of his videos it is slightly bizarre, he was super twitchy and wiggly and I can sort of see what it was that made everyone scared. He wasn't coated in blood, meat or stuffed animals, he wasn't triple kissing with a celeb old enough to be his mom, and he never once had to be suspended above a crowd with flames and indoor fireworks.
Elvis paved the way for the shock. Did he have any idea that the shock he would provide would just give us tired old antics of trying to piss off the right group of people?
Every time I open my gossip websites and see: "Nicki Minaj pissed off an old dude", " Lady Gaga is carrying around a mutilated crocodile", "Madonna is still doing shit even though she looks like the crypt keeper" or "Beyonces baby was awarded to her from the devil in a super secret Illuminati pact that will cause the end of the world" all I can do is give it a good jack off hand with an extra noisy "sploot" at the end.
I need to get into the mentality of "Elvis is evil because he is aware of his hips, I want to be aware of my hips therefore I must be evil."

Pictured: Someone in need of a squeegee and nap:

 Pictured: Hide your families because your eyes will be seared from their very sockets, behold the evil filth of the hip swivel!

Seriously, how do his legs do that?

Monday, February 13, 2012

I have been duped and neutered

I am livid, for reals livid.
I recently bought "A Dirty Shame" and did you know that the MPAA has raped this film?! I'm sorry, has coerced the film to have relations that it did not ask for.
No joke, like didn't say balls, and has cut out minuscule frames, it makes no difference if it's in there.
If you were going to watch this movie you know what you're in for, for fuck's sake didn't I just blog about how I watched a chicken get smushed by humans while boning, and now I'm watching something that won't let people say the word boner?! I watched Mink Stole, naked, with a dyed electric red snatch suck a guys big toe, and now I watched her with redubbing of the word boner.

I'm pissed, for real.
Now pardon me for a moment while I post something obscene:

Not obscene enough.

Now pardon me while I take my top off and run around for a bit.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Throw in a chicken for good measure

This afternoon I did it. I sat down and watched Pink Flamingos, the smuttiest of smut, the filth of all things filthy, the holy grail of nast. It lived up to its name. Maybe I'm not easily bothered by things because all I know is there wasn't one scabby pein to be seen, and that makes my day.
Few things about the movie: 

Edie is terrifying, she freaks my freak and I can't help it. Until the bonus footage where there's a scene of her playing with hard boiled eggs and it's probably the cutest thing ever. Also, it is coincidental that she is vaguely reminiscent of Big Edie Beale, right?

Mary Vivian Pierce is gorgeous, she's nasty and hot all at the same time and I have a friend who looks far too much like her. 

Divine did it, she is the most vile thing ever and I love every second of it. From the receding hairline to the meat shoved between her thighs, I worship the fame hunger that is Divine. 

Dog shit. Yea, it happened, but I'm glad to know that it looks like a good chunk of it was spit right back out, and that it didn't happen like I had pictured it either, thank god ( or thank Divine I suppose because she does proclaim herself god there at the end). Topping it off, that was one of the cutest dogs ever, so at least there's that. 

I must have been ruined by the internet or my imagination or something because on a whole there wasn't a  lot that made me gag, once that asshole got a little runny I did avert my glance. For the most part that "shock" did what it was intended to do, caused laughter. I love Raymond Marbles (David Lochary) and his ridiculous attempts to be a perv as well as his over the top ridiculous mustache (and all of the great wig work, that man was a god with a rat tailed comb)

Now onto my new personal lord and savior: Mink Stole. 
She is who I want to be when I grow up damn it, from her tiny little tits to her fur coats, I want it all. 

                           currently I'm attempting that hairstyle and typing at the same time...

Any one who utters the phrase : "I love you more than anything in this whole world! I love you even more than my own filthiness! More than my hair color! " is a winner in my book, and must be in love.

There are two major lessons that this movie has given me to apply to Crybaby:

1.) Babs, Connie and Raymond act out their filth but do it in the biggest most declarative way possible. It isn't enough for Connie and Raymond to have girls chained up in their basement so they can sell black market babies, oh no. They have to sell those babies to lesbians AND use the money to sell elementary schools. 
It's the mentality of " Hey, everybody look over here, I'm about to do something depraved...are you watching? You had better get your cameras because it's going to be one hell of a doozy of a nasty thing I'm gonna do". That's what the drapes do. They aren't perpetually doing terrible acts of no-good-ed-ness, they're playing music, hanging out with their friends until someone comes along who they have to prove themselves to. they have to make a big deal in a public place so everyone knows that they're the baddest kids around. 

2.) I'm also reading Role Models by Mr. Waters and it has one of the most pertinent quotes, in regards to his movies and this show.

"...and I knew that not only did I want to be a teenager-I wanted to be an exaggeration of a teenager." 

Whether it's being a teenager necking (facing?), the eyebrows drawn onto the side of Divines head, or the killer acting I have to keep thinking: Exaggerate That Shit. There is soooooooo much bigger than what I've got going on, I have only hit the level of actor whose gotten comfortable and is ready to play a little. I have to be, "Holy moses what drugs did that girl take before she walked out here." 

Last thing I swear! 
One of my favorite Online Magazines Rookie Magazine (Tavi Gevinson one of my all time girl crushes heads it), just had a post  about John Waters, I lost my shit when I signed in and their photographer had her collection of photos with an interview on it's way. Seriously, it is not to be missed: 

Please lets all thank Hazel from Rookie

Monday, January 30, 2012

This is not a pretty picture...

...It could not be pretty and still be true. What happens to the girl is unimportant... What happens to the others is more than important; it is the most vital issue of our time. This story is about a sickness, a spreading epidemic that threatens to destroy our very way of life. We are not doctors... We can offer no cure... But we know that a cure must be found...

Cue the Musical sting.........!

Tonight I watched Teenage Doll, and it was insightful and at the same time ridiculous! 

Lets start with the most important thing out there right now: Boys when all else fails, just have the greaser look, please, for my sake. 

Probably to coolest thing about this movie is it starts with you under the impression that the "bad girls" are just out to be bad. Then slowly they take you through each ones home life where they don't have a chance to be anything but bad. You have the dunk families, you have the non existent families, and even families that aren't so bad they just need to have a closer eye on their daughter. 

We also need to take a moment to address the cover: 

Do you want to know a secret about this cover? Almost none of the people pictured are in the movie, in fact the lead actress (the giant picture) is about 15 years older in this picture than how she appears in the film: 

...and those other chicks didn't ever show, not once. 

Today was  blockeriffic, tomorrow I got nothing so it looks like some memorization with a side of gnarly faces 101.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I took the night off

Tonight I watched the most racist movie I have ever witnessed.
That's right, for the first time in my life I watched Breakfast at Tiffanys, and I know deep within my soul that 87% of girls who dress as Holly Golightly and/or own the movie poster and/or who "loooooooove Audrey Hepburn, like she's totes my fave" have never once sat down and watched any of her movies.
I've read the book, it's pretty damn good, I can't envision anything  but Truman Capote as the writer who is enamored with Holly. Never in my wildest dreams would I have picked Mickey Rooney to play an elderly Japanese man (RACISM), and most assuredly I would have picked fewer places to play "Moon River".

I will ask however that you wrap me in the entire wardrobe and bury me please, especially the strippers dress.

Also please everyone, stop being wrapped in everything  Zooey Deschanel does, there will always be a crazy wide eyed girl to do movies. Always.
Thank you, and remember that tonights blog was brought to you by Male Gigolos:

Male gigolos for when having a gay lead male just won't cut it!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Last night I was crushing super hard on John Waters, today I'm falling for Wanda Jackson. She released this in '54 and it made it to number 8 on the country charts and she was only sixteen.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I've got a forty dollar a day liquid eyeliner habit

Most of my life I have always wanted to do my own thing. When I was really young my mom made all of my clothes because the ones in the store were terrible. It was a fantastically early nineties mother daughter collaboration collection, which means there was an over sized bow and scrunchie that coordinated with everything.
The older I got the more I simply found things and put them on. Once there was an early teen pure hatred fueled argument between my mother and myself because she refused to let me go somewhere in a vintage schoolgirl plaid skirt and cub scout shirt. (All of that got resolved when she simply became thankful I wasn't dressing like a slut.)
To this day I do what I want, and today is when it all made sense.
Up until this point the only John Waters experience I really had was some of Pecker and A Dirty Shame (which consequently almost caused me to rape the boy I had a crush on at the time, wrong movie to sit on my bed together and watch at nineteen. Especially since it was the day before leaving to teach at an all girls camp for two months, rape would not be an exaggeration.)
Female Trouble.
Holy fuck, I finally get whats been wrong with me my whole life.
Sometimes I joke that I was born a drag queen and I'm pretty sure this movie confirmed it, I NEED to shave the sides of my head to give my eyebrows a place to call home. I NEED to own sequined pants with pinfeathers from the knee down and I NEED to get my hair that big.
The alternate universe that all of these films takes place in has always been the alternate universe going on for me, somehow I've made to Oz made it where I need to be.

The trio of Dawn, Concetta and Chicklette is killer, they are total badasses and make it super cool, in fact stupidly cool. Taffy Davenport ended up being the one that helped me the most though. She is a child that has only been spit on, ever, lets be real her mom tells her ever day that she should have been aborted because she's mentally retarded, not to mention her step dad is constantly offering to have her suck his dick. Her being played by a grown person makes the difference that I think Scotts going for: Be natural to react because it's easier to lash out then to actually take the time, time can equal hurt.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to see how high I can get my hair, sew some giant ruffles onto some coats and try to figure out just how I can mainline some eyeliner, I hear it's a hell of a drug.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Wanda Jackson! Yes Ma'am!
Right now I'm at work which means there is no better time than now for working on the show, right? That being said I got a bit out of the mindset for rehearsal (too much of that Zep-Head BF this weekend, but I did put some serious character study into tongue kissing (much to his dismay I also practiced singing and tonguing)) and in order to get back I've been rocking out to some killer chtunes this morning.
Of course there's Buddy Holly and Elvis, complimented by Janis Martin (billed as The Female Elvis), Wanda Jackson and a few new ones that may cause obsessions Bill Riley and His Little Green Men, or The Collins Kids for instance.
When I was in Jr. high and high school (alright and admittedly now) I wanted nothing more than to be in a Ska band and as I got older I wanted to be in a Rockabilly band. Unfortunately spending time and money to sound like Julie Andrews wasn't going to get me closer to that dream, and it felt like the more training I had the further away I got from the sound I wanted.
Part of this process is going to be able to find a way to make my character rip as I had talked about before, but more importantly I want to be able to let go of the musical-y side of me and let my voice rip. I need to be able to growl out a line like Kim Lenz , and I know somewhere in me I can do that. It's going to take banishing  judgmental  Sarah:

God She is such a bitch, not to mention Ye who judges should probs not sip on Ol'Fashion Bud.

And allowing the " I don't give a fuck!" Porter in:

Not a single fuck was given by that pig. Ever.

It's there and I know it. I plan to coax it out slowly, like it's a feral kitty hiding under the bed.

On a total sidebar:
I had the revelation today that the Biebs had yoinked Run Around Sue. I know that I should be sad, but at the same time he has earned millions for his ability to follow the earliest form of musical marketing and lack his lack of chest hair. I suppose he gets a tip of the hat from myself. (Apologies for being wicked late on this revelation too)

I've also recently discovered my exciting new laptop with its camera and editing software. Meaning: Prepare ye the way of Vlog!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

...But her Face can really kill ya

Tonight was the first time I had a real "oh, hell" moment. It's completely silly, but I figured it was bound to happen. I spent my night in and kicked everyone else out and then took to some of my favorite girl things. Bleaching my hair, plucking my eyebrows, painting my toenails, eating mac and cheese (a VERY important step) all that mysterious girl stuff that makes us, well girls, or Bowie I suppose. It was at the step where I was working conditioner through my poor, crunchy, processed tresses that it dawned on me: I'm going to get to be hideous.
Not "oh she's got a great personality" or "Oh, looks aren't that important." but "Holy shit don't move because I think it senses movement and fear." and "Sweet God in Heaven, I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. Please make it go away!" ugly
Don't get me wrong, I own a ton of flannel, think chinstrap-trapper fur hats are hilarious AND fashionable and have spent many an hour making awful faces in public and private. I've played old, I've worn just bathing suits, I've played evil, and slutty but never have I been blatantly disgusting. I know it's something in my realm of possibility, shit it's going to be fun.
However, in order for it to be fun I have to be able to put my vanity on the side and try to find a balance of taking the material seriously and not taking my ownself too seriously. Which is making sense in my head and I hope I haven't lost anyone...
The material needs honesty and I need to be able to see the show through to the end without being "not enough" or "not too much". Of course as it goes for being an actor there is always more. I'm going to need to find a way to tap into my normal everyday "I don't give a fuck" mentality and try to knock out the "holy shit I'm a nervous actor...meh...people are watching me." lame inside self who takes over sometimes. That guy is such a douche.
Let's fucking do it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Well I had no idea....

Apparently I already had a blog, apparently I was lying to myself and trying to make it about football. We all know that isn't going to work.
Today was the very first rehearsal for "Crybaby", which I am wicked stoked about. (obviously more stoked than I was for football.)
I have to admit something:
I have been a bad actor.
Not bad in the sense that I stink at acting, actually that's on the contrary as two shows that I have been involved with this year have been showing up all over the STL critics lists (which way to go Newline and Straydog, I'm super stoked to have been a part of both of your companies, Keep up the awesome work!).
I have been a bad actor because I have had my script for quite some time and I haven't read it. Also on my instant netflix queue Crybaby has been showing up in my top picks (because apparently I love Camp, music and motorcycle jackets.)  There hasn't been any reason for me to not watch it except for the good old fashioned, I have to do it so I don't wanna. Tonight after the first awesomely difficult music rehearsal I sat down in my comfy pants under a zebra print blanket  with marabou trim (mink stole would be proud) and watched away, here is what I've learned:

1) There really isn't anything hotter than Tracy Lords skanky ass in that movie.
2) What disorder does Iggy Pop have to make him so rippled, my BF is that skinny but good god damn.
3) children in my opinion never add to anything, except the two children in this, they are fucking adorable.
4) pencil skirts and leather jackets will always be the shit, It's a look I am proud to rock
5) John Waters, can I live in your kitschy basement?
6) Fuck the bunny hop, those "good" kids are the shittiest people I have ever seen.
7) I'm going to need to work my ass off to be any where near as heinous as Kim McGuire
8) What do I need to do to grow up and be Ramona Rickettes?
9) "Good" kids are terrible at chicken.
10)"Hey Mr. Jailer" is the hottest song I have EVER seen in a movie musical, ever. Like I may have to excuse myself from writing for a moment, because I'm thinking about it.

Now to get down to business of rehearsal, I am ready to make this musical my bitch.
Hand me my switchblade.